I have not thought deeply about this event for some time. It now fills me with more grief than it did before. In April of 2022, my husband Sean and I found out we were pregnant for the very first time. As anyone could imagine, being pregnant for the first time was extremely exciting and terrifying. 

I had taken the first test (pictured above with pink lines) and sent it to my friend Rachel. I asked what the heck that meant, as the second line was very faint. She instantly called me and said, "Girl, you're pregnant." I decided to take a second test, to truly spell it out for me just in case. 

I remember walking into our bedroom early on a Saturday morning and waking Sean up. I had planned to make it a special announcement, but my anxiety ended up taking over and I cried my way through "We're pregnant" while handing Sean a little pair of baseball-themed shoes. At first, he wasn't sure what I had said. In the end, the announcement wasn't very magical, but soon he got the point and the excitement began. 

I switched my "monthly app" over to a pregnancy setting and it instantly provided me with a list of what to do, what to expect, and what size my baby was at the time. Sean and I began giggling over our current sesame seed. On one occasion, Sean sent me a random picture of a hamburger bun with sesame seeds on it. I guess he wanted to show me that he was thinking about it, but couldn't say anything because we were around others. At the time, we were keeping it secret--our little secret. I called the doctor to schedule my first appointment and then continued to look ahead toward what it would become, and sit in awe of how quickly it would grow.

This first pregnancy was short lived. We found out we were pregnant at 5 weeks, and by 7 weeks we miscarried. 

The timing was unfortunate to say the least. It was a Monday morning and I had decided to let my principal know I was pregnant because I would probably need to take time off here and there for appointments. Additionally, I told my classroom assistant because we worked so closely together. Just a few hours after sharing my news, I visited the restroom and noticed some light spotting. I asked my assistant, Laura, if she thought it was okay. We decided it was probably fine but to keep an eye on it in case matters got worse. Shortly after that restroom break, I remember feeling more "wetness." So, I used the bathroom once more and everything looked much different. I remember seeing weird squiggly things, along with much more clotting. I called Laura over, and decided to call my husband and the doctor. The doctor let me know that I had miscarried, and would continue to cramp and have clotting for a while longer. There was no need to take any further action, as my body was handling it all on it's own. 

I miscarried entirely in the bathroom of the elementary school I worked at. I was definitely upset, but knew that many women miscarry within the first few weeks of pregnancy. I knew after speaking with some family, that that one instance didn't mean I was infertile or anything serious. For that reason, I shoved the memory away, put away the infant baseball shoes, let my "app" know I was no longer pregnant, and threw away the sticks.

I didn't know at the time just how much "Baby A" would play a part in where I am today.

That was that.