As I sit here, tears streaming down my face, I try my best to write and find comfort in this blog. However, I'm filled with unbelievable frustration. For the second time, the fertility office has sent me detailed notes on my lab results that aren't completely positive. I received an email this evening stating that my FSH has "increased quite a bit." So, naturally, I began my search on what a high FSH could mean. I'm frustrated that the nurse wouldn't just wait to give me this information at my already-scheduled appointment on Friday.
As I checked my notes from May of 2023--our first fertility appointment-- I wrote the following:
"Egg quality: AMH level is excellent. FSH is an 8 (a little worse than average.) For my age, FSH should be 5-6. Around 35, it increases to 5-7. But, I shouldn't be worried until it's closer to 10 (could lead to miscarriage at this time.)"
Ultimately, I'm left worried and wondering. Has my FSH increased to, or above 12? If so, what does this mean? Should I start worrying about my ovarian reserve diminishing? Should I ask about freezing my eggs?
Psalm 42:9 says, "I say to God my Rock, '"Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"
It wasn't until I reached out to my cousin Laurie that I realized the quote above DOES provide comfort. I do feel forgotten and overlooked. I do feel that I'm in a constant state of mourning. Why has God not come to my rescue yet? Why must I jump over ever hurdle in my path? I'm ready to be pain-free. I'm ready to be a mother. Am I not faithful enough? Have I not given all my pain and sorrows over to God?
Psalm 42:11 says, "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
I need to continue giving thanks and praise even during uncertain times. Knowing this, doesn't make it any easier.
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